Friday, August 19, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 3x04 & 3x05 Roundtable (Awkwardness and Pizza) [Contributors: Alisa, Chelsea, and Patti]

This week's Bachelor in Paradise was all about the awkwardness, and our ladies help break down all of the fun (and not-so-fun) twists and turns. Join Alisa, Chelsea, and our special guest poster Patti as they discussed what happened in the episodes.

The only thing more awkward this week than Josh eating pizza was Evan's existence. How are you feeling about his journey through Paradise and bringing up Andi's book? How about that medic call? 

Alisa: Everyone in Paradise keeps stating and restating how super nice Evan is and how he has such a big heart but I just don’t see it. He is creepy and does not take no for an answer which is not only super disrespectful, but also kinda scary. He also doesn’t seem to have a firm grasp of reality based on his conviction that he can land either Carly or Amanda. I think the whole medic call was clearly staged by the producers to add some drama and suspense. It didn’t seem like there was anything actually wrong with him, except — as he stated — swollen ankles. Only Evan would need to be rushed to the hospital for swollen ankles. Let’s just drive that ambulance straight back to whatever rock he crawled out from under and be done with it.

Patti: I think my favorite is that Evan kept bringing up Andi’s book, but reiterating that he hadn’t actually read it. So he was obviously just trying to stir up some drama, or give Carly a reason to like him. Also, whoever put the IV in Evan’s arm in the ambulance should not be allowed to practice medicine. The loss of blood on that was astounding.

Chelsea: I’ve never physically cringed so much watching television. Evan is clearly ready to roll with whatever the producers hand him, and it’s just painful to watch. I don’t like Josh either, but I felt terrible for Amanda being put in such an awkward situation. It was never gonna work, bro. Carly is settling for this creepy dude when she would have been a fantastic Bachelorette. And his health problems are so convenient in getting people to feel bad for him. I just can’t with him anymore.

Who's your favorite relationship on the show so far? Jared and Caila? Daniel and Sarah? Josh and Amanda? Josh and that pizza?

Alisa: I may or may not make those same noises when I eat pizza so I can definitely relate to Josh’s instant love connection. Love at first sight does exist when cheese is involved. I feel bad for Amanda because Josh is such a creeper and she needs to dump his butt immediately. Also, I’m not okay with any guy I date liking pizza more than he likes me. It’s just a bad sign and I won’t stand for it.

Jared and Caila seem super cute and I hope they’re able to navigate the gigantic Ashley I.-shaped roadblock on their path to love because I’d really like to see Jared engaged by the end of this season. Mostly because I’m sick of enduring everyone in the Twitterverse thinking he’s sooooooo sexy and wonderful. He’s Count Dracula except more sullen. Get him engaged and get him gone.

Patti: I like Caila and Jared together, and I’m honestly really sick of Ashley I.’s tears and dramatic crap. It’s old — she just seems sad at this point. And then on the after shows she’s always so normal and cute, and it just doesn’t add up. It's no surprise she's still a virgin. Once a guy gets inside her, she will literally trap him and never let him go. (... TMI?)

Daniel is a jerk and Sarah needs to hold out for someone better. Josh is still literally the definition of the word douchebag. And I love Amanda, but she’s so taken in by him! Also, do they ever stop kissing? I’m not really one for criticizing someone’s parenting, but being attached to Josh’s face constantly and in front of everyone else at all times is a terrible example to set for her two young daughters. Plus, it’s grossing me out.

Chelsea: Are we taking bets yet on how long Josh/Amanda will last outside of Paradise? The show has pretty much married them off but I don’t see it lasting too long outside of the show. They don’t have to show us every single time they’re making out in front of everybody else. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable they had to be.

I never thought Lace/Grant would be the most stable relationship on this show. How did that happen? Good for those kids. If they had a spinoff, it would be so much better than the upcoming Ben/Lauren show. That’s going to be worse than watching paint dry.

Sarah needs to find love. Can we just bring back Christian and pretend his leaving never happened?

Who were you excited to see get dates this week? Who do you want to see get one soon?

Alisa: I surprised myself by how excited I was to see Nick get a date with Jen. He’s been such a Debbie Downer ever since Amanda super glued her lips to Josh’s. I may have hated Nick on his multiple seasons of The Bachelorette, but he’s hilarious in Paradise, and I sincerely hope he finds love. They need to give Carly a date card after some more men arrive so she can get away from Evan and actually get a decent kiss in Paradise.

Patti: I don’t really remember Jen. Was she the one who literally never said a word and we forgot was even there on The Bachelor? Nick is just happy that a decently attractive woman showed up. I legitimately think he would have fallen for any woman who walked down that stone path. Geez, I’m such a downer this week!

Chelsea: I’m loving that Nick is getting some love and airtime. He’s easily the most entertaining person in Paradise. He might be a lovesick puppy, but I do like his date with Jen. I enjoyed her on Ben’s season since she was pretty normal and seemed like a lot of fun. But these dates are mostly just weird and forgettable. How are Jared and Daniel getting so many dates? I constantly forget Jared is on this show and Daniel is only there as comic relief.

Christian and Brandon came and went so quickly. Were you sad to see the boys go? Any predictions for next week? 

Alisa: I am SUPER BUMMED that Sarah chose dumb Daniel over the wonderful Christian. Christian seemed pretty amazing and super into her and Daniel is a maple syrup-coated sleaze ball. Christian clearly worshiped the ground she walked on and Daniel’s more like, “Eh, she’ll do” and she deserves way better than that. Sarah, you chose poorly.

(Who’s Brandon?)

Patti: I was also sad that Sarah chose Daniel over Christian. I wish Christian had been given a second chance to find a nice girl. And yeah, Brandon? Man, they’re running out of people to put on this show!

Chelsea: Oh Christian. You really are too good for this franchise. Call Sarah after this season is done airing and take her out on a nice date. You know they’re trying to keep Daniel’s weird Canadian self for as long as humanly possible. The show needs to stop bringing on the Brandons of the franchise and try to get the James Taylors on board — sweet, fun, MEMORABLE guys. The selection of dudes this year is pretty terrible.

What do you think of Ashley I.'s return? I don’t think they bought enough Kleenex this season. And did you guys remember Jen? 

Alisa: Ashley I. undoubtedly adds a lot of drama but her constant whining is so annoying and my wealth of self-control is all that’s kept me from stabbing myself in the eardrum. She needs to get kicked off immediately. What a waste of space and Kleenex.

Patti: I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING ALISA HAS SAID. I’m so done with her. Her 15 minutes of fame are up, and we’re all ready to move on.

Chelsea: I had no idea who Ashley I. was before this week and I immediately regret my hour with her. Can she just not? My friend went to high school with Caila and said she’s a super sweet person. She doesn’t deserve that hot mess ruining her time on Paradise. (I already wish Caila had been Bachelorette after JoJo’s mess of a season. The show did her wrong.)

I like Jen! She seems like a sane, put together human that wants to have some fun. Good for her for having fun with Nick. He’s the cutest guy there, and somehow was available.


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