Thursday, August 11, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 3x02 & 3x03 Roundtable (Lines in the Sand) [Contributors: Rebecca, Alisa, Patti, & Chelsea]

This week on Bachelor in Paradise, it was all about identifying the creepers, love triangles, and lamenting the loss of Jubilee. Rebecca, Alisa, Chelsea, and our special guest poster Patti discuss what and who they loved... and who needs to go, now.

The first sparks of romance are lighting up Paradise while battle lines form in the sand. Who's your favorite couple? Favorite enemies? Thoughts on the dates. 

Patti: I actually thought Nick and Amanda would have been a cute couple, but then Josh swooped in. Apparently Amanda and Nick decided after that first rose ceremony to date other people, so the “drama” between Nick and Josh is almost completely fake. I just don’t like Josh though. He’s quite possibly the definition of the word “douchebag.”

I really want Sarah to find love! As long as it’s with someone sweet and worthy of her loveliness.

And I will be shocked if Daniel finds love with anyone besides his own abdominals.

Rebecca: Well, my favorite couple was Nick and Amanda, but I guess that’s over. So now I’d have to go with Sarah and... Christian? I hope she stays with Christian. I think he’s sweet and complements her nicely. Daniel is rude and disrespectful, but Patti said it best: he’s just a douchebag. I’m also a huge fan of Jared and hope he finds love this season. He and Sarah are my favorites.

Evan really just rubs me the wrong way. He seems like a nice enough guy, but there’s just something offputting about how he conducts himself. I liked him at first on Jojo’s season, and then he just got annoying. It’s like he worries about other people too much and it seems like he starts a lot of drama. I’d be shocked if he makes it past the rose ceremony.

Alisa: Oh, I totally agree with Rebecca. Evan has got to go. What a creeper. I thought Nick and Amanda were cute but obviously that’s over. I think Jared and Caila will be a super cute couple once she arrives in paradise. And I adore Christian and Sarah. I also hope Carly finds love. Sometimes she really annoys me but overall I think she’s a good person who just really wants to find love, and she should not have to settle for the Evans of the world.

Chelsea: I too was really enjoying Amanda and Nick at first. They were super cute and seemed like a good fit for each other before Josh came swooping in. Daniel was kind of cute with Sarah, but he’s also a garbage human being. I want her to stick with Christian, because he is the cutest and so much fun. I’m excited to see Caila come into the game since she got the shaft on Bachelorette last season.

Evan reminds me of that “nice guy” insecure man that is actually an entitled douche. He’s really annoying and starts so much drama because he thinks he’s some underdog, but he’s really just a creep.

Also, these dates are so forgettable. At least spend some time showing us what they’re doing!

The show has been setting up the Nick/Amanda/Josh triangle from the beginning. Are you Team Nick or Team Josh? 

Patti: Team Anyone But Josh. So Team Nick I guess? Or maybe bring on someone like James Taylor for her.

Rebecca: Team Nick. For sure. If I remember correctly, I don’t think I really cared for him on The Bachelorette, but he’s infinitely better than Josh.

Alisa: I was never a fan of Nick but he is about a million times better than Josh (who is clearly a sociopath). Plus, Nick is way funnier and better looking than I remember, so it’s Team Nick for me too.

Chelsea: I’m with Patti in that they need to bring James Taylor in for Amanda. He’s the perfect sweetheart and cute. I could see him running around with her kids and being an awesome dad.

I was #TeamNick all the way before Josh came. I want to be #TeamAmanda, but I just do not like Josh at all. The Amanda/Josh pairing felt a little forced and almost out of nowhere. I cannot even remember most of their date. It was like introductions, then just non-stop making out. Josh has those serial killer eyes and just looks like a jerk.

Were you sad to see Jubilee and Leah go? Which pairing surprised you the most? Who were you hoping would leave? 

Patti: I was VERY sad to see Jubilee go, but I love her enough to want her to find love in a real life setting, and not have to settle for one of these shmucks in Paradise.

Leah made me ill. I remember how out-of-character it seemed for her to badmouth Lauren on Ben’s season, but when she showed up she was all ready to be the villain with a capital Botox. She would be fun on a Bachelor proper with this newfound confidence of hers, but she just didn’t belong in Paradise.

Rebecca: Leah was awful! First of all, I didn’t even recognize or remember her, so I had to look her up, and wow does she look different. She’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but I couldn’t stop staring at her lips! Anyway, if I remember correctly, she completely made up lies about Lauren just to cause drama and try to get Ben to not like Lauren, which is just plain mean. I’m glad to see her go.

On the other hand, I LOVE Jubilee. I was rooting for her on Ben’s season. Out of all the seasons I’ve watched, I think she’s one of the realest, rawest, most genuine people to come on the show and I have so much respect for her. She’s so deserving of love and I’m confident she’ll find it.

Alisa: Jubilee is who I want to be when I grow up. She is classy and talented and smart and served our country and I mean, the list goes on. I reeeeeally wanted her to be the Bachelorette and that didn’t happen. And then I reeeeeeally wanted her to find love on Bachelor in Paradise and now that’s not gonna happen. But she definitely deserves better than Jared with his dead eyes and monotone voice and perpetual Grumpy Bear expression anyway. But I have no doubt that there’s a man out there who is perfect for her so hopefully he comes along soon.

Leah’s psycho stalker vibe was on point. The producers must have been like, “Hey, we’ll pay for your lip fillers and fake eyelashes if you’ll be our female villainess this season, mmkay?” And the rest is history. Maybe Leah will get her wish and finally meet Chad at some point and they will drink protein shakes together and talk about how unfairly they were portrayed on the Bachelor franchise.

Chelsea: Jubilee deserves so much better than this franchise has to offer. Jared is like watching paint dry... and not even a pretty shade. I will miss her, Amanda, Lace, and the twins hanging out and their colorful commentary. She was half the reason I kept watching this mess.

I only remember Leah from the episode where she was trying to sabotage Lauren B. because it came out of nowhere. Just like last season, she’s a half-baked villain at best and I was glad to see her leave. Though maybe if she stuck around, Josh would have gone after her and not Amanda.

Night two brought a few different couples to the forefront. We got to see a different side of Daniel this week. Where do you stand on the Daniel/Sarah/Christian romance? How about that Parent Trap switcheroo on Brandon’s date? 

Patti: Okay, first off, WHO IS BRANDON?! Do they let just anyone into Paradise these days? I can’t believe they ran out of former contestants desperate to extend their 15 minutes of fame and had to settle for Brandon and Izzy. It’s so weird. I don’t think he will last long! And Daniel is a jerk.

Alisa: I was not impressed by this “different side” of Daniel. Pretty sure it’s the same side, just with maybe a little more maple syrup coating. As Patti said, he’s a jerk, and just because he’s suddenly realized that Sarah’s pretty darn awesome doesn’t mean he’s good enough for her. I ADORE Christian and think JoJo missed out dismissing him so early, so I’m really rooting for him and Sarah. They were super cute together on their date and he clearly thinks the world of her.

Brandon very well may be a legit contestant from Desiree’s season but honestly, I got some of the best naps of my life that season so I wouldn’t really know. Everything that year was such a snoozefest. The twin-switch felt dumb and overly staged to me. I mean, identical twins you literally met five minutes ago? No one’s gonna pass that test. Besides, my money’s on him ending up with the other interloper, Izzy.

Rebecca: I’m going to have to echo Patti and Alisa: it’s the same side! I think he’s just desperate for a rose and Sarah is one of the only girls not coupled up, which is so unfair for her. She’s always been a consistent favorite of mine: she’s SO sweet and she’s real, and not to mention gorgeous. I’d hate to see Daniel use her like I think he is. As I said earlier, I think Christian is a much better match for her and I hope she doesn’t fall for Daniel’s game.

For the life of me I couldn’t remember Brandon, even after Googling him (Side note: I still have no idea who Izzy is). The twin switch was just silly to me. It was a first date! Maybe a little further down the road, next time.

Chelsea: I really hope Sarah spends more time with Christian. I don’t know if Daniel is actually feeling something for Sarah or playing the game, but I think he’s stayed just long enough and can go now. I think the show brought Brandon on just so they could parent trap the dumb boy. They should’ve saved it for a couple of episodes in the future, but I still got a laugh out of it.

After Paradise had special guest Diablo Cody, along with contestants Jubilee, Lace, and Chad. What were some of the highlights of their returns? Do we need Chris Harrison to spice up this talk show? 

Patti: I think it needs ME to spice it up.

Alisa: But seriously, WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON? It was my love for Chris Harrison alone that allowed me to power through last season’s horrid After Paradise segments. His bemused expression, barely-contained annoyance, and signature dad voice are why I keep watching the Bachelor franchise. So, yeah, when I saw Chris Harrison wasn’t hosting this time around, I stuck around long enough to see the fabulous Jubilee and then went to bed.

Rebecca: There’s an After Paradise segment?

Chelsea: I got through ten minutes of After Paradise and it needs Chris Harrison ASAP. Sean Lowe is perfectly adequate as a host, but I just can’t with that rude host The View ditched. Let Diablo Cody and Jubilee host this show with some mimosas, and you’ll have my attention.

(Aside: this two episodes a week back-to-back format is killing me. They need to spread out this four-hour garbage.)


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