Friday, July 13, 2018

The Bachelorette 14x05-14x07 Roundtable: Mid-Season Funk [Contributors: Alisa, Chelsea, Jen, and Rebecca]

The themes of the Vegas, Virginia, and Bahamas dates was all drama, mostly centered around Chris, as we saw many of our petty squabbles depart. Our girls breakdown the last three episodes before we get into hometowns and preview Paradise.

Colton managed to snag the Vegas one-on-one, riding camels down the Virgin River in what might be the most awkward date since Wells and Jojo’s sliding tub tumble. Has Colton redeemed himself from the Tia situation or is Becca only keeping him around because she has the hots for him? How did the show handle the virginity reveal and what do you think Tia’s return means for Becca? 

Alisa: I honestly don’t know why Becca’s still keeping him around. Plenty of people on Twitter think he’s hot and apparently Becca does too, but his face just looks like a big toe to me and he has the personality of dust. I had to strain really hard to even remember they had a one-on-one because it was so epically boring. And who wants to sit in a hot tub in the middle of the desert, especially after just riding on a camel? Hard pass. As for the virginity plotline, I couldn't care less about Colton’s virginity. Society is so weird because people are trashed for having sex and trashed for not having sex, and seriously can we just keep our noses out of other people’s bedrooms? Whether he’s still a virgin or not is of absolutely no interest to me. Let’s move along.

Chelsea: I’m pretty sure Becca is just keeping him around cause he’s kind of cute and because the producers need him for Paradise. I’m convinced he’s only here to further the Tia drama later this summer. I was reading Bachelorette Rachel’s take on the date, and she made a great point about him saying all the right things... but it feels like a script and he has no passion for her. I think Colton has made it this far because he’s hot but I don’t see him staying past hometowns, especially with Tia returning; I think they’re setting him up for a Paradise romance.

Unrelated: I’m so excited to see my beloved Kendall and Bekah return with Tia. They’re possibly my favorite two contestants from this franchise.

Jen: I don’t trust Colton. I agree with everyone that Becca is just keeping him around because he’s hot, but I don’t see a connection with them beyond physical. I completely agree with Alisa on the virginity issue. I am not interested in what Becca does or doesn’t do with these guys in the bedroom. I want to pick out rings and look at dresses. When does that part happen? It’s frustrating to me that Colton being a virgin is somehow shocking or weird — at least that’s the way The Bachelorette producers played it. Honestly, I think people get shamed either way. It’s the never-ending Madonna/whore complex. I’m so tired of it. It’s also not any of our business really. I’d prefer to watch Becca discuss financial planning philosophies with these guys. That sounds interesting at least.

Rebecca: I totally agree with what’s been said. Colton is super boring, definitely not the most attractive guy of the bunch, and is totally milking his virginity for ratings. It’s pretty obvious that he’s only sticking around so people will root for him in Paradise, where I’m sure he and Tia will get back together... and probably get it on.

Our resident serial killer-eyes Chris made his mark when he got cocky during the group date and didn’t try to spend time with Becca, only to turn it around on her during the cocktail party and lose his cool when Wills’ wouldn’t give up his time with her. What do you make of the situation? How iconic was Wills’ during this whole mess? How happy were you to see Becca ditch him in Virginia? 

Alisa: Wills is clearly the hero this show desperately needs but doesn’t remotely deserve. I was so excited to finally see a contestant stand up for themselves and establish some healthy boundaries about the whole “stealing” the bachelor/ette. Wills is now hardcore my favorite for the next Bachelor. He’s kind, funny, polite, stands his ground, and of course is nice to look at. It’s clear he’s not here to play games which is more than I can say for some of these men.

As for Chris, he displayed some serious abusive tendencies in this episode and I am not at all impressed that Becca not only didn’t kick him to the curb IMMEDIATELY but also gave him a rose over our sweet John. I’m glad she finally came to her senses in Virginia and he’s gone now, but it should have happened sooner. If they invite him to Paradise I will quite possibly stab myself in the ear to keep from hearing those terrible song lyrics he keeps composing.

Chelsea: I pegged it on episode one that Chris was going to be a villain because he gave off weird vibes, then threw Chase under the bus. His assertion that Becca owed him 50,000 kisses after he was cocky and wasted his time was an immediate turn-off and I’m almost surprised he wasn’t sent home during the cocktail party, but I knew he wouldn’t make it much longer on the show. Becca looked pained to have to give him a rose and was not having anymore of his drama.

Rebecca: Chris is super cocky, super annoying, super creepy, and I am SO happy she kicked him to the curb. Wills truly is too good for this franchise. He’s so real and genuine, and I would love to see him get his chance to shine as the next Bachelor. I’m glad he will be able to spend some time in Paradise.

Jen: Chris had a pretty deep facade happening and when it all crumbled it was actually frightening to me. That guy has a lot of anger issues. Serial killer feels like a fair assessment. I was floored Becca gave him another chance — the woman is too forgiving — but I was absolutely thrilled when she booted him once and for all. His reaction to his absolutely called for dumping also proved what an egotistical creep he is. Wills was the calm in the middle of the storm. Wills is mature. Wills is wonderful. Wills needs to find love.

Vegas gave us the two-on-one dreams are made of with David the Chicken competing for a rose against Jordan the model. Alisa accurately predicted both of them would go home in our previous roundtable. How did you feel about their confrontation in front of Becca, and whose side were you on? Jordan opening up about his mother probably allowed him to last a few hours longer on the date. Did you think he went home too early? Which of the two was the real villain this season? 

Alisa: They were both villains in my book. Jordan was that manufactured kind of villain like Krystal and Corinne in seasons past, where it’s easy to hate them but you know they’re just playing it up for the cameras at the producers’ request and are probably decent folk somewhere deep down under all the collagen injections. David is one of those slow-burn villains who consider themselves a “nice guy” but are actually so insecure and immature that they sabotage every relationship they’re in. Also, David always seemed way more into Jordan than he was into Becca, so maybe he needs to do some deep thinking about why that is.

Chelsea: Jordan ended up being quite a sweet dummy in the end, and never instigated the drama. His backstory put a lot of his vanity into context I think and I will be happy to see more of him. David had such a great first couple of episodes before he completely lost focus of Becca and zeroed in on Jordan. He was such a jerk throughout the entire process and made up lies. I hope he reassess his priorities for Paradise because we’ve seen him be a cool guy. 

Rebecca: I agree with Chelsea and Alisa — they did both need to go. I have a total soft spot for Jordan. I thought it was hilarious, and the perfect villain because he wasn’t exactly cruel. He was mostly just obnoxious and cocky, but never super mean-spirited or rude. I cannot wait to see him (and his one-liners) thrive in Paradise. David was great at first, and the chicken fiasco was dorky-sweet, but he went downhill really quick. He’s definitely an instigator and one of those people who likes to stir up drama, and I am not a fan of those kinds of people.

Jen: I am in agreement with everyone. Both needed to go. They were more obsessed with each other than with Becca, which was weird. She made the right call. I love that Becca is not tolerating any cattiness or immature drama.

The Bahamas brought a lot of tough choices for Becca before hometowns. Colton, Garrett, and Blake got one-on-ones, while Jason, Wills, and Leo were left on a three-on-one. Of these final six men, who would have made your final four? Who do you want to be the Bachelor? 

Alisa: My final four would have been Jason, Wills, Leo and sweet John, who was gone before his time (or Clay — gone but not forgotten!). I cannot stand Colton or Garrett, and Blake just gives off weird vibes. I really wanted to see Wills as the next Bachelor, but since it’s already been announced he’s headed to Paradise, then my next pick would be Jason who is just adorable and sweet.

Rebecca: MY final four would have been Wills, Leo, Clay, and Blake. I think I’ve said my piece before about what great guys Wills, Leo, and Clay are, and I just think Blake is super cute. I agree that Wills should be the next Bachelor, but I can see Jason grabbing the title as well.

Jen: My final four would have been Clay, Wills, Jason and... can I pick Clay again? Honestly, I really want to love Garrett and if I had not known about the Instagram mess before watching this season I would have. He would’ve been a fave. But I do know so he’s tainted which is sad because from the look of things he’s the front runner. I think Jason, Wills and Clay should like wrestle or something for the title of next Bachelor. In the immortal words of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “There could be oils of some kind.”

Chelsea: Of Becca’s final six guys, my four favorite would be Wills, Jason, Leo, and maybe Wills again? As much as I think Jason is the best guy for Becca, I’m going to be selfish and hope he’s the next Bachelor since it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for Wills. Colton bores me to tears and Blake is way too immature. He looks like he has some pent-up childhood anger about his mother’s affair and has some major insecurities from that and the ex whose texts he read. He looks like he’s going to snap at any moment.

I’m in the same boat as Jen with Garrett. I really liked him until his social media history came to light. On the show, he seems like a cute dummy that is really interested in Becca and not the drama. I think he’s the frontrunner for Becca but I don’t know how long the relationship will last since they have very different political views.

ABC has blessed us in releasing the initial cast of Bachelor in Paradise this year. How do you feel about this bunch? Who else from Becca’s season do you think will join the show? Who from the past do you think is missing? Why do you think Bekah M. didn’t accept her Paradise offer? 

Nick’s season Rachel’s season Canada
Astrid Eric         Kevin
Angela Kenny

Arie’s season Becca’s season Bartenders
Tia Joe         Wells
Bibiana John         Yuki
Kendall Wills
Krystal Jordan
Nysha Connor
Annaliese David
Chelsea Chris R

Alisa: I am so excited for all the ladies from Arie’s season who are showing up in Paradie. Well, except Tia. I am so over her. But Bibiana and Kendall are great ladies and good tv and they’ll make it a fun time. I just hope Kendall leaves her taxidermied friends at home. Girl, we don’t need any stuffed rodents on the beach. I’m also pretty excited that sweet John and grocer Joe from Becca’s season will finally have their moment to shine. I’m pumped that Wills accepted the invite and hopefully he’ll recover quickly from his heartbreak so he can end up with someone as awesome as he is.

I really hope Leo shows up in Paradise, too. And hopefully Clay will be recovered from his surgery by then so he can get in on the fun. And can we talk about Wells and Yuki as the bartenders?! Adorable. Seems like a pretty solid round-up to me! As much fun as it would be to see Bekah M. in paradise, I’m sure she’s living her best life and off to new adventures. This show never deserved her.

Rebecca: I am SO excited for Paradise. It’s already my favorite show in the franchise, and this is an absolutely killer cast. In particular, I’m so here for Kenny and Eric, Bibi and Kendall, and Wills. I also LOVE that actual angel Yuki will be helping Wells serve drinks. I think Bekah M. turned down the invitation because... she’s smart. Not that anyone who does choose to do Paradise isn’t, but I think she knows none of this is actually real. I think she wants to make something of her life beyond being an Instagram influencer, and I support her — although I selfishly hope she’ll surprise us and show up.

Jen: I have never watched Paradise so I am absolutely clueless about any of this. But my ladies are brilliant so just put me down for cosigned.

Chelsea: I am beyond excited for my favorite contestant Kendall to show up and she can even bring her taxidermy friends. All of Arie and Nick’s girls sans Tia are great picks — even the unhinged Krystal. I cannot wait to see Jordan and all of his one-liners again. We do not deserve this angel. I’m hoping for Caroline from Arie’s season to show up and maybe a few more guys, like Clay. Aside from Wills, Joe, and John, it seems to be pretty light on decent guys. I’m hoping to see some people like Connor open up a bit more and get more screen time. I hate that Chris R. will be there but we get Wells and Yuki bartending, and that is just a gift. Hopefully Chris R. leaves after an episode.

We never deserved Bekah M. or her adorable short hair. She never really fell for the tricks of this franchise and that’s why we loved her. Too good for us.


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