Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 4x13 Recap: “The Audit” (The Return of the Most Boring Man in America) [Contributor: Alisa Williams]

“The Audit”
Original Airdate: April 11, 2017

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE IS FINALLY BACK! Can you tell I’m excited?! Because I’m SUPER EXCITED. It’s been over three months since the hilarious and shocking winter finale and I have missed the quirky antics of my favorite precinct. I even dreamed about the whole gang a few times over the hiatus, and I may or may not have been instrumental in solving a few tough cases in said dreams.

But I digress. Let’s discuss the latest episode now that we’re back in action!

We pick up two months after Gina was hit by a bus and thank God she is still alive and has been cleared for work. I was convinced they had killed her off. I mean, who survives being hit by a bus that was going full speed? GINA, THAT’S WHO — AND DON’T YOU EVER DOUBT HER AGAIN.

Gina takes questions from the team and informs them getting hit by a bus was awesome, she was technically dead for two minutes and met God, and she has to wear a metal halo that’s screwed into her skull for another week (Gina, not God). Just to prove she’s really ready to be back, she dances for them, which looks and sounds painful.

In other news, Captain Holt announces that crime in Brooklyn is so far down that the city will be officially closing one precinct — and it could be the Nine-Nine! There are 22 precincts in Brooklyn and as long as the auditor doesn’t rate them at the bottom, they’ll be safe. Holt says the auditor will begin by joining Amy and Jake on their gang stakeout. But they’re all in for a rude surprise: the auditor is Amy’s ex-boyfriend, Teddy. If you’ve forgotten all about Teddy, it’s probably because when they broke up (thanks to Jake), Amy told Teddy he was the most boring man she’d ever met. Ouch.

Jake immediately pulls Amy into the supply closet to freak out and start running worst-case scenarios. If Teddy shuts them down, they’ll be shipped to separate precincts and he will forget who Amy is. If it was anyone else, I’d think he was being a bit dramatic but this is Jake who has the self-professed attention span of a goldfish, so yeah. Seems likely.

Captain Holt assures Teddy he will find absolutely no wasteful spending in their precinct, but Teddy immediately brings up the $21,000 Japanese printer Captain CJ bought when he was in charge. A printer that broke the first time it was used. Soon, Holt and Terry are freaking out in the supply closet as well.

Rosa and Boyle soon join them. Apparently, Teddy docked points at another precinct for a cockroach problem. The Nine-Nine doesn’t have cockroaches… because the rats ate them all.

Amy has a plan, though. They all just need to pretend Teddy is super interesting. Amy got pretty good at it while they were dating, and tells them all to just smile and nod and agree with everything he says. As for the rat problem, Boyle has a far worse plan: he’s recently acquired large amounts of wolf urine (we don’t know how, we don’t want to know how), and he says this will scare the rats off. Meanwhile, Terry will try to learn Japanese so he can read the manual for the printer and fix it.

With all of that settled, Amy, Jake and Teddy head off to the stakeout. It goes downhill from the very start. Jake tries unsuccessfully to bond with Teddy over their favorite beverages but Teddy catches on quick that Jake has no idea what he’s talking about. He may be boring but he ain’t dumb.

Things take a turn, however, when Teddy informs them that he is NOT boring anymore. He and his new lady do all sorts of fun things like 5ks, “jazz brunches,” and adult coloring books. In fact, he is so interesting and chill now that he invites Amy and Jake to join him and his girlfriend at jazz brunch later that morning.

When Teddy excuses himself to go to the bathroom, Amy and Jake immediately start talking bad about him. Teddy is soon back, saying he forgot his phone on the table, and oh look — he forgot to stop the recording when he left. Jake and Amy begin freaking out because as soon as Teddy plays back his notes from the audit, he’ll hear them dissing him and saying he’s just as boring as ever.

Back at the precinct, things are not going so well. Terry’s progress on the printer is hindered by Gina, who requires help drinking her coffee, and Hitchcock keeps eating the peanut butter from the rat traps. Boyle dons a sexy cat costume (for maximum mobility) and goes up into the vents to place the traps and wolf pee. He manages to get his cat tail wrapped around a sprinkler pipe. Holt tells him not to try to dislodge it because he might damage the sprinkler system. They’ll rescue him on Monday after Teddy is done with his audit.

Jake and Amy head to brunch with Teddy in hopes that they can steal his phone and erase the recording before he listens to it. They decide to stage a fake fight, then Jake will flip the table and they’ll grab Teddy’s phone during the ensuing pandemonium. Jake thinks it’ll be hard for them to fake fight, but it turns out to be pretty easy for them to find things to argue about. Unfortunately, when Jake tries to flip the table he quickly discovers it’s bolted down. Instead, he pulls the tablecloth and everything else off the table, puts Teddy’s phone in a glass of orange juice and then he and Amy both storm off, still pretending(?) to be mad at each other.

Terry has had a successful morning as well. He’s managed to fix the printer! The rat situation is far from solved, though. The traps worked but the rats managed to chew themselves free, eat through an evidence box containing some of the purest cocaine the city has ever seen, and now know no fear or pain. After chewing a hole through the wall, they come for Boyle in the ceiling. In his panic, he tries to bolt, breaking the sprinkler pipe. He crashes through the ceiling directly onto the printer. The rats survive the fall. The printer does not.

Holt tries to put in an emergency request with maintenance to get the precinct cleaned up. He gets laughed out of the room. But then the team realizes that Gina is their secret weapon. No one can say no to someone who was hit by a bus. They send her in and six hours later the precinct is as good as new.

Meanwhile, things aren’t going very well for Amy and Jake. Teddy has followed them out of the restaurant to profess his love for Amy. Unfortunately, his girlfriend has followed him and hears the whole thing. With his girlfriend watching on, Teddy proposes to Amy. Amy, guilt-ridden, admits the real reason they were fighting was to steal his phone and erase the recording. She tells him they still think he’s the most boring man in America and then his girlfriend dumps him.

Amy and Jake come back to the precinct feeling pretty defeated. Teddy shows up a few minutes later to let them know he’s thought it over and he’s recusing himself from the audit. He tries, unsuccessfully, to propose to Amy again before telling them Lieutenant Hopkins will be auditing them instead.

Terry asks if by Lieutenant Hopkins he means Veronica Hopkins — Terry’s ex. He does indeed and when she shows up she gives Terry a giant hug and whispers that she’s going to shut the Nine-Nine down.

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Lieutenant Hopkins prevails!

Bullets on the Bulletin Board:
  • “As much pain as I’ve been in, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. Living in a Gina-less world for two months. I’ll field some question now. Anyone?”
  • “So what was it like getting hit by a bus?” “It was awesome.” “I knew it! I always wanted to get hit by a bus.” 
  • “I met God.” “Tight. What does she look like?” “Ethnically ambiguous.” 
  • “Are they going to be looking at our desks? Also, unrelated, someone left a bunch of swords in my desk.” “I have a similar question about browser histories.” “Just throw your computer away.” “Roger that.” 
  • “Why’d you have to say he’s boring?” “Because he IS boring! His favorite app on his phone is ‘Contacts.’”
  • “If I don’t see you every day I will forget who you are. I’m like a goldfish.”
  • “This closet is for people who are freaking out!” “Oh, I’m fully freaking out. I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public. ‘BRB.’ What does it even mean?” “Be right back.” “That has the same number of syllables as the acronym. What’s the point?”
  • “Humor is a tool of the interesting.” “Right. A tool that you have clearly mastered.”
  • “I’ve never been more proud of you for anything in your life.” “I mean, I’ve solved a lot of cases.” “And yet, crime has continued.”


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