“Hitchcock & Scully”
Original Airdate: January 17, 2019
In the latest episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, we get to learn a little bit more about Hitchcock and Scully, circa 1986, at the height of their careers. The cold open is a young (and hot!) duo taking down a notorious crime boss named Gio Costa. The young Hitchcock and Scully are played effortlessly and hilariously by Wyatt Nash and Alan Ritchson. Mad props to NBC for casting the perfect pair, seriously.
Flash forward to present day, and it turns out Internal Affairs is investigating this very case. Captain Holt is convinced Commissioner Kelly is behind this, seeking to wreak further havoc on the Nine-Nine for Holt complaining about him to the mayor. Holt decides he’s had enough. He’s going to go on TV and tell the city what the mayor is up to. He asks Jake and Boyle to look into the Costa case themselves so they’ll know what they’re up against with IA. Jake and Boyle sit down with Hitchcock and Scully to go over the facts. Looking through the old case file, they find a photo of the duo and are shocked to discover that Hitchcock and Scully were, well, super hot. Or, to borrow Boyle’s descriptor, “Meow!”
Jake asks them to go over what they remember about the case. Hitchcock and Scully tell him and Boyle that they got to Costa through a confidential informant on the inside. Jake asks who this CI was, but they say they don’t remember. It was a long time ago, after all. Jake moves on, asking why they think IA would investigate the case, but Hitchcock and Scully are as clueless as usual. Then, Jake spots a clue in the old photograph. The case file says Hitchcock and Scully recovered three bags of cash from the crime scene, and that’s how much was logged into evidence, but in the photo, reflected in a mirror behind Hitchcock and Scully, there’s clearly a fourth bag. When Jake presses about it, Hitchcock and Scully get defensive and storm out.
Meanwhile, Terry and Rosa are upset over the cramped quarters the Nine-Nine is now subjected to, since Commissioner Kelly indefinitely closed the precinct’s bottom floor for “renovations” and moved everyone up to the bullpen. The “downstairs people” — as Terry and Rosa call them — are gross and rude and ruining everything, from stinking up the elevator to leaving the kitchen and bathrooms a mess. They complain to Amy, who is sergeant downstairs, but she takes offense at their condescending view of the downstairs people and bickering ensues. Terry and Amy take their complaints to Captain Holt, but he has bigger problems to deal with, like preparing for the TV interview with Gina’s help.
Jake and Boyle have wrangled Hitchcock and Scully into an interrogation room, but if they thought it would be easy to break these two, they thought wrong. Scully informs Jake that they just ate a huge meal full of cheese and the interrogation room is a time bomb about to explode with farts. Jake and Boyle quickly move them out to the patio to continue the conversation, but Hitchcock and Scully are being unhelpful. They claim they never had the fourth bag of money, and produce their financials to prove that they’re not just poor, they’re “destitute.”
Jake looks over their credit card statements, but other than an unhealthy habit of frequent visits to Wing Slutz, nothing looks out of the ordinary, and they’re certainly not lying about being broke. But then, Jake spots a red flag. Hitchcock has a monthly charge for a parking spot, even though he doesn’t own a car. Jake and Boyle, with Hitchcock and Scully in tow, pay a visit to the parking garage. It turns out he owns a creepy van with the name “Beaver Trap” painted on its sides. While investigating the back of the Beaver Trap, Jake and Boyle find the fourth bag from the photo. It’s empty, but before they can question Hitchcock and Scully about it, the van doors slam and they’re trapped inside.
Jake uses a creepy mannequin leg to spring the latch on the Beaver Trap’s back door, and they jump out as fast as they can. But Hitchcock and Scully are long gone, and they’ve taken Jake’s car, with Jake’s phone inside. Boyle says not to worry, he has an app that can track Jake’s phone (of course he does), so they can see exactly where Hitchcock and Scully are. But in order to catch them, they’ll have to take the Beaver Trap.
Hitchcock and Scully didn’t go far. Jake and Boyle corner them at Wing Slutz, where they run into a surprise: the waitress is none other than Marisa Costa, Gio Costa’s wife, and the CI who helped Hitchcock and Scully take down Gio all those years ago. Now that that secret’s out, they confess everything. They did steal the fourth bag of money, but not for themselves — they gave it to Marisa so she could start a new life. As a CI, she was supposed to be paid for her help, but the captain at the time screwed her over and so she would have had nothing. Hitchcock and Scully helped set her up with her new life and new job at Wing Slutz, and they check in on her regularly to make sure she’s doing okay.
Back at the precinct, things have escalated between the upstairs and downstairs people. Rosa and Terry ban the microwave from the downstairs people after an unfortunate uncovered soup incident. While they and Amy argue about it, Holt and Gina prepare for the TV interview. Just then, Commissioner Kelly shows up. He’s heard about the interview and he tells Holt that if he goes through with it, he has all sorts of ideas that will “spice up” life at the Nine-Nine.
Things outside Holt’s office are just as tense. Amy pretends to declare a truce with Rosa and Terry, but it’s really a distraction so one of her fellow downstairs people can put a whole fish in the microwave. As if the smell wasn’t bad enough, the microwave then explodes. Holt comes out, upset about the disturbance in the midst of Kelly’s visit. Kelly pops out too, wondering about the smell and the commotion. Holt realizes the stress his team is under due to all that Kelly is doing to them and tells Kelly he’s had enough. From all of the Nine-Nine being forced into the bullpen, to Kelly reporting his officers to IA, it’s got to stop. But Kelly says he never reported any of the Nine-Nine officers to IA — though he thinks that’s a great idea.
But, if it wasn’t Kelly, then who called Hitchcock and Scully to tell them they were under investigation? Holt calls Jake with this update and Jake quickly deduces that it’s someone who was hoping they’d lead him straight to Marisa. It turns out, Gio Costa is out of jail and just as Jake is putting two and two together, Gio pulls up with his goons and heads into Wing Slutz. Jake and Boyle usher everyone into the kitchen and plan to head out the back, but they can’t be sure that way is clear either. Scully and Hitchcock concoct a ridiculous plan that involves strapping gallons of sauce to their chests and storming the bad guys. Jake and Boyle are against it, but Hitchcock and Scully will do anything to save Marisa.
They burst out the back door, only to find that the bad guys have all been apprehended by Captain Holt and the rest of the team who rushed to their rescue. Just then, Gio elbows the officer holding him and goes for a gun he had concealed at his ankle, aiming to shoot Marisa. Both Hitchcock and Scully jump in front of her, and take bullets to the chest.
... But they’re unhurt! The sauce was so thick that the bullets couldn’t penetrate it. Taking advantage of Gio’s surprise, Terry tackles him to the ground.
Back at the Nine-Nine, Holt confirms that Hitchcock and Scully will be punished for stealing that money. Their sentence? Desk duty for a year (they’re thrilled). Meanwhile, since Holt missed his TV interview, Gina did it instead. She tells the team the network has never received more complaints, which she’s fine with. She’s all about creating controversy.
With everyone safe again, and enjoying some down time at the bar, Jake and Boyle are left to ponder what happened to Hitchcock and Scully all those years ago that took them from being perfect police specimens to the washed up has-beens they are now. We flash back to a final scene with young Hitchcock and Scully, who are checking on Marisa at her new gig at Wing Slutz before they head off to the gym to lift weights. She tells them she likes her new job and offers them their first wings, on the house. One bite and they’re hooked. It was all downhill from there.
Bullets on the Bulletin Board:
- “I’ve said ‘excuse me’ more times this morning than I have in my entire life. Twice!”
- “Are you body shaming us?” “No, I’m personality shaming you!”
- “You’re joining in the witchhunt!” “You’re fake news! Sad!” “Yep, that’s definitely the language of the innocent.”
- “I can’t believe we let Hitchcock and Scully get the drop on us. It’s like being outsmarted by a couple of tomatoes.”
- “Why are you smiling?” “Because he’s one of those friendly villains, like the Verizon guy who defected to Sprint.”
- “I don’t like your threats and I don’t like the cheery manner in which you’ve chosen to deliver them.”
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